Huns and Nuns vs. Fun

“Line up, Teddy Bear! Line up, Spider-man! Line up, Ducky! Robot, Line up!” 

A few days ago I was in the KC Emergency Children’s Shelter here at Gillis, and Shari, a three-year-old girl, was giving some firm direction to a line of toys. With one accusing finger pointed in Teddy Bear’s face and the other hand planted in no-nonsense style on her hip, Shari was making sure her charges knew exactly what was expected of them. When Robot fell over, he got a stern lecture.

“Robot, you have to get in line! Line Up, Robot!”

Lining up is probably one of the first lessons in compliance for most American children. It seems like a basic thing, but there is always at least one free spirit in every pre-school class that makes his or her teacher start counting the days until retirement. For those who highly value free-thinking and creative perspective, even having children line up makes them wince a little. “Stand straight, step lively” seems so draconian in a way, and yet, even those artistic souls realize that elementary schools would suffer sheer pandemonium without classes in line. In the end, even the furthest out non-conformists must stop at red lights or end up in the hospital.

The balance is hard to find. No one wants to wipe the sense of exploration or joy of creativity out of any child. On the other hand, functioning successfully in modern society demands some level of conformity from all of us.

When I think of the balance question of teaching children basic societal norms, I think of Huns and Nuns. The Huns of course, established an empire in northern Europe and their famous leader, Attila, was notorious for his clashes with both the Western and Eastern Roman Empires. What brings them to mind is their practice of purposely deforming the heads of male children into cones so as to better fit their war helmets. Talk about conformity. 

While forcing conformity on children to that degree belongs mostly to ancient times, many of us can remember how strict many schools were just 35 or 40 years ago. The greatest reputation for strictness was enjoyed by Catholic schools. We’ve all at least seen a movie or two with stringent nuns applying rulers to wayward hands or wrists, and while that was probably less prevalent than popular culture led us to believe, there were certainly some very strict nuns using corporal punishment to create some very disciplined schools not so long ago.

I think about all of that in relationship to Gillis when I hear the phrase “less restrictive environment.” It’s one of those misleading measurement terms often used to assess the effectiveness of our treatment here. When children leave for foster care, or a less structured treatment, they have moved to a “less restrictive environment” and that’s considered a success. The problem is that it gives some people the impression that Gillis is some kind of prison camp, or military environment; it suggests that we are a very restrictive place.

That’s just not the case.

At Gillis, many of the children we serve come from very chaotic situations. A great deal of their trauma is caused by the fact that there was very little they could be sure of or count on as children. Perhaps there was never any guarantee of breakfast in the morning. Perhaps they never knew what mood their care givers would be in. It might change on a dime. Sometimes they might not even come home. Maybe basic needs were withheld. In young lives, this utter lack of routine and inability to distinguish a pattern creates a state of high anxiety that greatly harms a child’s ability to regulate emotion. 

Part of the therapeutic environment at Gillis is that we stick to well thought out routines. There are structured expectations and rewards. In short, we make it easy for children to know exactly what to expect.

To some, tight routines may sound a little “restrictive” but if you’re a kid who has lived through chaos, never knowing what was coming next, being able to count on something everyday is a BIG relief. It helps the anxiety recede and with less time spent nervous and worried, kids gain the time and ability to focus on healing from their traumatic pasts.

In the mean time, there is plenty of free play, outings to activities from theatrical performances to baseball games, and multiple opportunities for musical and artistic expression. Art Teacher/Youth Development Coordinator, Theo Bunch, explains that in some ways, Gillis is the LEAST restrictive environment.

“Well Kids here have suffered through some astonishingly bad stuff,” says Theo. “Some have been sexually abused, some physically. They have total freedom to work that stuff out in the art room at Gillis. They approach subject matter here that they could never express in a normal school. So, yeah, when it comes to creative expression, Gillis is anything but restrictive.”

So just in case the phrase “less restrictive environment” gives you pause, I hope you can understand that a better word would be “structured” environment; one that provides kids something they can count on in lives where so little could be taken for granted. No Huns here, and no nuns either.

We will still teach young children to “line up” and they in turn, as part of the learning process might teach Teddy Bear and Robot and Ducky to line up too, but at Gillis, being able to rely on getting in line gives children the peace they need to let their minds go wherever they want.   

Submitted by Thom Fox, Gillis Grants Manager

How Kickball Saves the World

His lips were pulled back in a snarl that would terrify a shark and his teeth were clinched so tight not even air could get through them. If it had been a cartoon, red fire would have been shooting out of his ears, but in real life, the deep crimson flush permeating his cheeks and forehead sent the message just as clearly. This kid was about to blow.

 Except he didn’t. He bent in the middle, grabbed a handful of his pant legs with each hand and made a sound that started as a furious grunt and ended like woeful sigh. He had tried to kick a homerun, but instead, he was out. The spectators held their breath. The boy, Rod, turned and walked back to home plate.

Everyone burst into applause. “Way to go, Rod! Awesome job, Rod!” It may not sound like a big victory, but Rod had performed like an all-star that day. He was practicing getting out.   

 Practicing getting out?  Absolutely. At Gillis, most of the children we serve have experienced horrible traumas, sometimes day after day. Some of these childhoods feature  long lists of violent acts stacked on verbal abuse cradled in extreme deprivation. One of the major effects of serious childhood trauma is a lack of resiliency.

 For most children failure or terror or pain are all exceptions in the course of a normal day, not constants. A normal toddler bonks his head or gets scared once a day maybe, but his parents soothe him immediately. They help him return to normal as quickly as possible. Eventually, a normal child learns to handle these experiences on their own. They know that pain and terror won’t last. They will be okay. That’s what we call resilience.

For traumatized children, the terror or pain can last all day, weeks even. Returning to “normal” doesn’t happen all that often. After a while, fear, anger, fighting for basic needs or preparation to flee or hide become what is normal. They never practice soothing. They can’t. They have to be wary at all times. They never learn the lesson that it will all be okay. For them it seems like it never will.

So what’s that have to do with kickball? At Gillis, kickball is another opportunity to practice resiliency. When children first arrive here, they have a lot of trouble with failure. Some react with violence. Some curl into a ball and cry. Almost all are ready to quit a game the first time they make the slightest mistake. That’s why at Gillis, we practice making outs.

 First, the care workers demonstrate. One kicks the ball back to the pitcher. The pitcher catches it and throws him out. The kicker says “darn it,” snaps his fingers, and returns to his team. His team mate says “That’s okay. Good Try.” Then all the boys practice the pieces. Everyone says “darn it.” They snap their fingers. Most laugh. Then they all practice saying “That’s okay. Good job.” It seems easy enough.

But when Rod tried it with a real ball, kicked it hard only to have it caught in the outfield and be called out—it wasn’t easy at all. Faced with a real failure, he nearly reverted to what an early life of child abuse had taught him: anger and violence. But he didn’t. Instead he handled his anger, accepted being out, kept it in perspective and showed himself that “it will all be okay.”

 And that is how kickball at Gillis helps to save Rod’s world. Rod, like all of us, will suffer failures and set backs, accidents, problems and conflicts. Learning the lesson that even if you make an out, it will eventually be okay is important for him as he tries again to be successful in foster care, in school and in his life. Sadly, Rod didn’t get to learn resilience from his mother soothing him as a baby, but in his therapy sessions and group talks, from the positive adult role models we provide him, and even on the kickball diamond, he’s learning it now at Gillis.  

 Submitted by Thom Fox, Gillis Grants Manager

Pies for Purpose

Buy a Pie...Help a Child!

Few Things are This Simple

Gillis “Pies for a Purpose” $15 gift certificates make giving Tippin’s Pies super easy. And, you support Gillis programs which help over 1,600 Kansas City families and children each year!

Gift certificates may be redeemed for any flavor Tippin’s Pie at any metro-area Hen House Market.

Two Easy Ways to Order

1.      Visit www.gillis.org/Pies

2.      Call us: 816.508.3200

Get in the Know

In case you haven’t heard, Gillis now has treatment foster care programs. The program for teens has been around for awhile so hopefully you have heard about that one! If you haven’t then you are really out of the loop! Come on! Crawl out from under that rock and get in the know!  There are so many ways to hear about all the wonderful exciting things that are happening at Gillis. There’s the Gillis website, facebook page, twitter account, and of course this blog! You can also request to be on the newsletter mailing list.

Anyway, back to what I was saying…oh yes…the teen program… It’s a really great way for teens to get the structure they need while living in a home setting in the community. The teen program focuses on teaching the youth positive skills and encouraging and praising positive behavior and is based on a point and level system. The program for younger kids in treatment foster care is for ages 6-12 and is a newer part of Gillis’ Community Based Programs and is off to a great start! All kids in foster care have experienced trauma in some form or another and this program really addresses the trauma and chronic stress that the kids have experienced and help them through these difficult times by increasing their skills to cope with their trauma and lessen their negative behaviors.

Both of these programs provide a lot of support to the foster parents that work with the kids. The extensive support helps the foster parents maintain the balance needed in their life to manage the care of these challenging kids and ensuring that they are always able to help and support them to the best of their ability. The treatment foster parents receive 24/7 support from a staff member who knows them and is familiar with the child in their care and the issues they are facing so they can provide the best support to the foster parents. The foster parents meet with one another for extra support and to learn and share experiences and advice with each other. The foster parents are either visited in their home bi-weekly by a staff member of the treatment foster care program or receive daily phone calls to check on the youth’s behavior and the foster parent’s stress level. We want to catch any problems when they are little before they escalate and become a crisis. Respite care is provided when the foster parents need a break so they can refresh themselves and help to prevent disruptions. The foster parents receive a pre-service training as well as on-going training to further their skills and expertise in caring for youth with emotional and behavioral problems. The foster parents really like all the extra support that they receive through the treatment foster care programs. It allows them to talk with a staff member who is familiar with the child in their home and to vent and talk, which is sometimes all that is needed to help someone de-stress and feel confident in the care they are providing. The staff members can also help them think of new strategies and different “outside the box” ways of helping the children respond positively to new skills being taught and to help lessen negative behaviors.  The goal for the youth in these programs is for them to increase their skill set to be successful at home, in school and in the community and for them to move into their permanent placement once their treatment in the program is complete.

If you would like to know more about these treatment foster care programs through Gillis’ Community-Based Programs or are interested in becoming a foster parent please contact Gillis at 508-3500 or visit www.gillis.org.  Be on the lookout for an upcoming foster care recruitment party. Thanks for visiting...until next time!

Submitted by Jennifer Smith, MA, Program Supervisor

WOW! WOW! WOW!! WOW!!

I could go on and on about the associates from the Federal Court Western Missouri who donated money and volunteered at Gillis in June 2012. The volunteers planned the food and activities they wanted to do with the Gillis residential boys down to every last detail. When they got to campus, they each set into action. Everything was perfect.

They set up three activity stations in the Gillis gymnasium. The kids rotated in groups from bingo to decorating cupcakes and then to decorating a natural canvass drawstring bag with fabric paint for themselves. Things were planned so well that each boy got to participate in all activities. 

After the activities the volunteers cooked hotdogs on the grill and served the food and drinks to the Gillis boys. They sat with the boys at the picnic tables and chatted like they were all old friends. Dessert was fresh watermelon which was cut on the spot and each child had “watermelon faces” as they devoured the melon.

While some of the volunteers were cleaning the tables others were playing basketball and kickball with the boys outdoors. You could hear laughter and screams of delight from the volunteers and the kids. Next, everyone went back to the gym and two men briefly spoke to the boys about their lives and how to make good choices. A Gillis boy got up from the bleachers and thanked the group for taking their day off work to be with them. The other boys agreed, thanked them for coming, and gave them a round of applause.

Another one of the Gillis boys bonded with a special volunteer. When he first came to Gillis he shied away from adults because he didn’t trust people. On this day he hugged and followed this particular volunteer everywhere she went. He said “this is the best day of my life.” When asked what he liked best about the day with the volunteers, he answered decorating the cupcakes and then quickly pointed to this volunteer and said “her.”

The volunteers left the un-used food and other items for the boys to use. The court staff had a great time with the children and want to come back and do this again later this year. The boys will be ready!

Submitted by Saundra Johnson, Gillis Volunteer Manager

Loss

 

Loss is the state of being deprived of or of being without something that one has had.  Loss can be a selfish thing.  “I hope that team losses.”  Loss can leave us speechless, and take the wind out of our sails.  Loss is a natural part of all of our lives.  No one is immune from experiencing loss, nor the pain associated with it.

100% of our client’s at Gillis have experienced loss, and most do not have the coping skills for managing it much less the pain and frustration that follows.  After having lost my mother in 1989, I was faced with a loss that I was not prepared to experience.  For days and weeks, the pain was overwhelming.  I felt numb, and some days were worse!  Eventually an acquaintance told me that “I will get over it.”  I remember asking myself, “get over what?”  How does someone “get over” losing their mother, father, sibling or worse yet, a child?  The short answer is you don’t.  However, you can manage that pain or as I learned the hard way, the pain will manage you.

Many of our clients have lost or are in the process of losing their mother, father, and or family.   Managing their pain is the last thing they want to do.  Most would rather run from it, or self medicate it.  It is not uncommon for them to strike out at others.  Our goal is to teach our clients that skill but in order to do so, we have to join them in their pain.  Thus it should not surprise you that working with traumatized clients is traumatizing. 

A former client who had been adopted at the age of 14 after years of abuse, and multiple placements including residential treatment, and foster care shared this metaphor with me.  “I realized that I was in a pit.  I could crawl out but then I kept throwing myself back into the pit.  Therapy and school would give me ladders and rope to make it easier to get out of that pit, but I would eventually throw myself back in.  Soon I learned that I had to stop walking around that pit and change my path to avoid the pit otherwise I would eventually end up back into the pit.”  The good news was that as my client found a new path to walk on, she was pleasantly surprised that she was not alone.  In fact she was never alone.  I was always in the pit with her, guiding her up the ladder or throwing her that rope.  Would it surprise you that we use a lot of rope at Gillis?

Submitted by Gillis Clinical Director, Grey Endres, MSW, LCSW, LSCSW

The More Things Change the More They Remain the Same

In gathering my thoughts to write my first blog entry I found myself thinking about how much has changed and somehow remained the same since 1870 when the 20 or so of the “better” more affluent women of the day formed WCA-Women’s Christian Association and decided they had to do something to relieve “the needy and distressed in this new and struggling city”.  Since the Civil War, Kansas City had gone from a population of 6,000 to more than 30,000 and was full of widows and orphans whose lives had been severely disrupted by the war and an influx of immigrants from countries throughout the world.  The economic times were tough and there were lots of other factors making life in the city full of turmoil and struggles.  There were no social services, government agencies, Social Security or United Way agencies.  These energetic women headed out into each ward of the city to “investigate all cases of distress” visiting homes and persistently finding the support to provide groceries, a doctor or coal to provide heat to a home.  By the end of 1870 they opened the “Working Women’s Home” for destitute and distressed women and their children, regardless of race or ethnicity. As the years passed and more and more children were brought to the home or left at the home, services became more focused on children and orphans, but they also opened the first home for the indigent elderly and by 1900 the property they had developed housed and served both.

Of course many years have transpired and here I am writing a blog entry about Gillis in 2012.  Of course there have been massive changes in the development of large social programs and governmental agencies and technological advances but economic times are still very tough for a large number of “needy and distressed” in Kansas City.  Like the women of WCA we are still looking every day for the practices and interventions that will best meet the needs of the children and families we serve who struggle with abuse, neglect, mental illness, poverty, violence in their communities and any number of traumas and struggles.  Many of the kids live with us or come to the therapeutic school on our beautiful campus but for many more we are going into their homes to provide any number of therapeutic and skill building services.  What is not so different from the late 1800’s is how often we are still seeking the support to provide help to families who need food or clothing or funds for a gas bill or a car repair so they can get to work or assistance with obtaining housing.  And while today we don’t have a large number of affluent volunteer champions like the women of WCA, we do have a large number of dedicated staff who show the same persistence and commitment to helping the needy and distressed children and families in the work they do every day. We are also blessed, like the women of WCA with the support of so many people who serve on our board, or volunteer with the children or help with the campus upkeep or make generous donations so we can carry forward our tremendous legacy and continue to provide for the needy and distressed in our community.                 

Submitted by Gillis CEO/President, Mary Ellen Schaid

Cannonball!

The sounds of summer are all around us, laughing, splashing, and “Cannonballs”! The anticipation of the swimming pool opening is a summer tradition at Gillis. In order to open the pool it has to be inspected by the city before anyone is able to swim. The day of the inspection arrived, you could sense the anticipation as a crowd of boys started lining up around the pool watching and praying that our pool would pass. Unfortunately, we failed because our pool did not have a hand rail in the shallow end of the pool, in order to pass inspection we would have to have one installed. The boys were disappointed so "Operation Hand Rail" kicked off. We had to find the handrail and get it installed as quickly as possible. I made some calls and Kraft Pool Services came to the rescue.  He found the handrail and installed it all in one day! The inspector was called we passed our test and the celebration began.

Swimming is one of the most popular summer activities at Gillis. We make every effort to provide the safest swimming environment possible. One of my coworkers recently posted on Facebook that her son had passed his swimming test, she was so proud of him for reaching this goal. One of the joys of my job is teaching Gillis kids to swim, I too feel those proud moments every time one of them passes the deep end swim test. They work hard and practice every day to earn this badge of courage. The test consists of swimming the Crawl stroke for two laps using proper technique and being able to tread water for 90 seconds.  When they finally reach their goal and pass, they are filled with pride and a sense of accomplishment. It is really one of the highlights of my job; the look on their faces when they pass into the deep end is priceless.

Submitted by Pam Sanders, Director of Recreation

Welcome to our blog!

 Welcome to the Gillis Blog.

Gillis has been serving at risk children and families in the greater Kansas City area since 1870. Today, we provide care to over 1,600 families each year. Our mission is to assist our clients reach their full potential through education, counseling and social services. We could not fully achieve our mission without the help and support that many volunteers, donors, family foundations, and corporations lend to Gillis each year.

We decided to start our blog for many reasons but mostly because we want to share more with our supporters. We want to give you an open window to see what is going on at Gillis each day and how we are helping the children and families we are entrusted to care for.

We hope that you’ll read the posts we share about Gillis clients, programs and volunteers. We will also be sharing information about the variety of issues that our clients face such as abuse, neglect, mental illness, loss and trauma.

Please let us know what other kinds of things you would like to see on the Gillis blog.

Submitted by Gillis VP of Development, Kim Champlain, MBA